My Radio

My attempts to channel what's playing on the many stations of my mind

Why is marriage so important to women?

Posted by and1grad on July 19, 2010

When the ring means everything...

Reading WisdomIsMisery’s post, on Single Black Male’s blog, entitled “Why Men Dont Commit” got me to thinking about what may be an obvious question that I rarely see asked…”Why is marriage so important to women (as opposed to men)?”

When that question is asked, we normally hear the obvious answers. “Commitment.” “Security.” And some may even go into the fact that society places the burden of relationships on women and teaches little girls to aspire to get married. I get all that…but I cant help but get the feeling that there’s more to it. Commitment & security are strong components to any relationship. Since these aspects of a relationship are not exclusive to marriage, why the strong push to be married?

I think part of it is the celebration of a wedding. How many people do you know of that look forward to getting married and rarely even think about BEING married? Being a fantastic bride doesnt mean you wont make for a shitty wife. The same goes for men. Is the act of getting married becoming more of a “look at me” show than the simple celebration of love it was meant to be?  Weddings cost an EXORBITANT amount of money. I mean, in MANY cases, I hear about amounts that are well over what I paid in tuition. All of that for one day!?!?

I also cant help but think that part of the impetus for getting married at all, is the deterrent of the other person leaving. You know, thats what we ACTUALLY mean when we say “security.” Its more “I dont want him to leave and if he does, there will be CONSEQUENCES AND REPERCUSSIONS!!” I mean, lets face it, divorces are tinged with a slant towards women. Deny that all you want…it just is. Men who dont factor the possibility of divorce into getting married are fools. ANYTHING is possible…no matter HOW WELL you know the other person. And in some cases, you might not know them as well as you think.

A lot of women put more thought into the size of the wedding and/or the ring on her finger than actually being married. Men…we kinda just wanna get the shit over with and get back to living like a normal person. I mean…we dont even buy the tux. The reality of that makes me wonder…why are us menfolk still proposing marriage?

Ladies, shouldnt YOU be asking us? LOL!!!

24 Responses to “Why is marriage so important to women?”

  1. Tyrone M. said

    The ladies-asking-us part was also drilled into their heads; you forgot that part too. It’s sad that so many people put more effort into wedding day, and none into the rest of the relationship.

    When we get badgered about details, we say we don’t care. Why? Cause you’ll only get trumped anyway if the woman doesn’t agree. However, you have to pretend you care. I told my wife “I don’t care – I’ll marry you in a church or crack alley, as long as you show up.”

    The crack alley was booked though.

  2. Fabie said

    Hmmm I actually agree with most of this. A lot of emphasis has always been placed on the act of getting married and not on being married itself. Watching shows like “My Big Fat Wedding”, one gets the impression that some women have not only been planning their weddings since they were little girls but they are also set on getting what they want as opposed to planning a wedding where both parties have a voice.
    And to answer your question, yes indeed, women should be proposing to men. I’m not sure if a ring should be presented but I’m all fo rit.

  3. […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by and1grad, Wisdom Is Misery. Wisdom Is Misery said: RT @and1grad: Why IS marriage so important to women? I dunno…but I took some guesses. #wink http://bit.ly/a6CJ3O […]

  4. Smarty P. Jones said

    First off, I wish I would ask a man to marry me. You need to slap yourself for that statement, even if it was a joke. Secondly, and I don’t know how many times I can say this, it’s all Disney’s fault. The damn princess movies make little girls think they’ll get a prince charming and a wedding befitting a princess.
    You’ve made a point I’ve been making since I’ve been buying bridesmaid’s dresses. Have you THOUGHT about what your life will be like to be married to that person? Sheeeit, truth be told, I feel like people shouldn’t get this type of fanfare until they have been married at least 10 years. Prove to me that you can stay together, then I’ll buy a $200 dress that I won’t be able to wear anywhere else and wear shoes that will make my feet ache all day while doing every slide and shuffle known to man (Election, Cha Cha, Mississippi Mud, Cupid, The Booty Call)
    I can only speak for myself to tell you why I wanted to get married. I actually wanted a family to take care of – a husband, children and maybe even a pet or two. As was stated, I can only speak for me. I could give a shit about a wedding. I don’t want to be the center of attention in a big white puffy ass dress that I can’t move around in. *shrug* But, that’s just me.

  5. Dr. J said

    I think the difference in importance or anxiousness towards marriage across genders relates to our vices and plights in life. Age is no determining factor for men when it comes to marriage. With women, it is. (Now they can front and say it doesn’t, but it does.) A man is to provide and build a home for his family. A woman is to submit to her husband, children, keep a good home, etc. etc. etc. Because the man’s plight in life is providing, the older you get the better you can provide. Because a woman is sought after to provide children; good genes, young uterus, age is a problem for them. Someone will say, not every man is looking for that type of woman, that’s true, there are a few men out there who are not looking for a wife, but just for a companion in life. That’s sweet. Last I checked, women have a population problem trying to find men to marry. I wouldn’t spend too much time waiting on a guy that’s few and far between.

  6. I cannot agree with you more about much of this post. In many ways, folks are more concerned about the wedding than the marriage. It’s like the bioligical clock is ticking and the wedding bells need to be ringing by a certain age to beat the biological clock or something.

    Marriage has always been important to me, but I didn’t set a specific age of when I should be married. I didn’t even want a wedding. All I wanted was the deepest connection from a man who adored me and wanted to share his life with me and for me to feel the same about him. That we would have a family and our family was always priority. Those are the types of things I wanted.

    I think Smarty has a good point when she says Disney and TV have a huge influence on the distorted theories of marriage, etc.

    Enjoyed the post!

    • and1grad said

      You were wise not to set a specific age. Seen that lead to a lot of disappointment.

      Thanks for the comment!

      • Adonis said

        I think age does matter for women… And To overlook that is foolish… But if you can find men who will marry you after you can’t have kids no more… GOD BLESS

  7. Bahama said

    Everybody wants that somebody…that person you can come home to, that person that has your back (well should have your back no matter what) the one person that helps complete your life. *lawd….I sound like one of those romantic fairytale chicks……**shudder** * But seriously, is that not true? I would hazard a guess that’s why menfolk still pop the question.

    Yeah, the wedding plays a big deal, I mean as I type this i’m watching “Say Yes to the Dress”. We all kind of want to have that day where it’s ALL about us and maybe the love we have lol. Smarty has a point about the princess/fairytale comparison. But, it’s suppose to be a celebration of your new life and why wouldn’t you want to show that off to the world? I don’t know though. I’m still #teamMarriageIsoverrated

  8. Reina said

    About 18 months ago, my biological clock started ticking. Or rather, I stopped enjoying life to listen to it. I think it’s because everyone around me was getting married and settling down, and my romantic status was in the same place it had been for years: single.

    I was never the girl that planned and daydreamed about her wedding. Being married was like my worst nightmare. I wanted nothing to do with it. Today, though, the thought of being married no longer breaks me out in hives, and I’m growing more & more interested in my wedding day. Being a bride is the easy part. Being a wife, on the other hand, is something I’m not sure I’m skillful at. I haven’t gotten being a great girlfriend down first.

    • and1grad said

      Rei rei,
      Your uterus had to EVENTUALLY start sending your brain Want ads. ’twas only a matter of time. Yay biology!! LOL!

  9. Great post!

    I, like Reina, didn’t dream about my wedding day as a little girl. I wanted to grow up and be successful like my daddy! And, I should’ve gone with my heart because years later, I met who I thought was my soulmate and gave up on my dreams to be a “trophy wife”.

    You know where this is going right?

    After I had my children and wanted to get back to my career, I suddenly became “selfish”.

    I ended up leaving him after 9 years. And went back to school and earned the title of “Trophy MOTHER” which is much more desirable than being a wife.

    It’s really sad that little girls grow up with that mentality, those ideas and fantasies. Prince Charming?! Hell naw! It’s up to us now to educate them and show them what’s “real”!

    Damn Disney!!!

    🙂

    • Keith said

      That is why my friends and I have decided that monthly trips to Vegas are a much better deal than finding a wife or a girlfriend. We can take care of our biological needs and not be sued for divorce, alimony or child support. Have a nice life ladies.

  10. Adonis said

    Good Morning Guys, 

    One thing I find that women don’t address IS Divorce and how it affects the Man… As a hopeless romantic… I always look forward to marriage… Or a Long-Term Commitment… But as a man in Western Society their is little to no benefit being a husband in the event the marriage goes south… But a woman has EVERYTHING to gain, house, kids, alimony… & basically half my sh*t…

    So in ADDITION to what WIM was talking about in the “Why men Don’t Commit” post, there is no benefit for a man to get married in Western Society with these current laws… It basically encourages BAD BEHAVIOR IN WOMEN (70% of divorce are initiated by the woman)

    So in conclusion, I don’t have a problem giving you a wedding ring & having a dream wedding… I’m just not signing a marriage certificate binding Me, you & the state we are married in…

    We have to change the divorce laws

    22 Year Old, Single Black Male, from NYC

    P.S. BTW – For those men who want a pre-nup, the courts don’t respect it…

  11. hey i simply just want to say that this stuff never will get old, love it, carry on the great info, its better reading this than working for a living, cheers

  12. Milah said

    Great post!

    What’s unsettling about the discussion following the post is how both men and women justify (rationalize?) never giving relationships a chance in the first place. We NEED to get together and have families in order to continue the human race. Yes, I said FAMILIES. Just “hooking up and making babies” is a recipe for the de-evolution (regression?) of an entire generation. The babymama and babydaddy drama needs to go the way of the dinosaur. It ain’t pretty! Families are what keep these lil’ hardhead mfs out of jail and in school, where they need to be. Kids need to be raised by parents, not by their friends and not by TV. We need marriage so if mama can’t whup that ass when they act up, then daddy’s got her back. (I said mama b/c moms is the bad guy 99% of the time – if she’s in the home.) Deciding to stay single forever because you’re afraid to learn about how the other half lives isn’t the answer to the question. May I have “avoidance” for $2,000, Alex?

    Okay, so I’ll answer your question now: Why is marriage so important to women?

    If you believe that women (and I’m generalizing here) are only concerned about the wedding and do not care about actually being a good wife and/or mother, then you’re assuming that all women are shallow and materialistic. These are the type of women who harp on financial status, keeping up with the Joneses, and throwing up last night’s pizza to fit into a wedding dress that’s 3 sizes too small. She has to be concerned about security because she CANNOT sustain a real marriage relationship. She’s too self-centered. She may be an expert at keeping “the package” looking right (which means she can always find another sucker), but internally, she has nada going on. She has to “secure” the best catch she can in the limited time span that she has to work with, because her expiration date is approaching soon and nobody wants to marry an old, ugly b***h.

    Now, let’s talk about the other half of the female population. The ones who actually think things through, even if we squeal like little piggies when our friends tell us they’re getting married. In our eyes, an expensive wedding is no longer something that we have to have. We know that there are people who go to the justice of the peace, make it official, and are still going strong 50 years later. We know better than to accept the first proposal from that loser boyfriend because we’ve seen what he turns into 20 years later, and we don’t want to be that long-suffering wife.

    That said, MEN ACT DIFFERENTLY with titles and labels. I’m sorry, it’s just a fact of life. When they’re allowed to be your “friend” or “homie” or “my ex from 3 years ago”, there’s no sense of obligation or responsibility and some men – not all – will use the lack of title to get away with their shenanigans. When he’s “my husband”, there’s a level of expectation that gives him a reason to get right (if he’s got any conscience). The divorce laws are skewed in women’s favor, but that’s because men’s track record in marriage hasn’t been stellar (blame society and “macho” behavior).

    Yes, it is scary for a man to become a husband if he’s been playing the field for years and doesn’t want to give it up. It’s like asking a still-drinking alcoholic to quit cold turkey. Probably won’t happen. Which is why it makes more sense for the man to ask the woman to get married. He asks when he’s ready. If he’s not ready when she is, then she needs to get back out there and find someone who wants the same things that she does. If he’s supposed to be the head of the household, he needs to take action to get that household started.

    If our society were such that women were the initiators of everything (the first date, the first kiss, and so on), then I would agree with you that women should be the first to “pop the question”. However, it hasn’t been like that for the last couple of centuries, and I think men actually kinda like it that way.

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