My Radio

My attempts to channel what's playing on the many stations of my mind

Marital Considerations

Posted by and1grad on July 20, 2010

Found us a Reverend

With the last post, I talked a little about why I think women, far moreso than men, want to get married. I sincerely believe women are what drive the practice of marriage, as most men would, more than likely, be perfectly fine as just a partner/companion. To be clear, this isnt to say that men dont want to be in exclusive relationships…but the need for it to be a “marriage” is minimal AT BEST. But it isnt as though women are the only ones that benefit from marriage.

Our government incentivizes marriage. Marriage yields certain advantages socially & economically, including MANY legal benefits. A lot of these legal benefits can be absolutely CRITICAL to your quality of life as a couple, or as someone who was formerly married. Things like insurance & social security/pension benefits, immigration/residency for partners, and a tax benefit (if the couple has disparate incomes) are noteworthy benefits. There are plenty of other legal benefits but they seem to mainly encompass rights granted to a surviving widow, including visitation rights and automatic inheritance rights (in absence of a will). Something that caught my eye was “judicial protections and evidentiary immunity” benefit, which if I’m not mistaken, means you cant be forced to testify against your spouse. I wonder how many of these rap cats know about THAT. “Married my boo so they couldnt make her talk on me/In case Marisska Hargitay & Stabler NARC on me…” I dunno if that would move albums. 2pac wasnt talkin bout “Marry Me A G.” I digress.

Is 50% a lot?

I purposely left out the perceived benefits like mental health and higher wage earning because there’s just too many factors, to control for, that directly affect those things. For instance, the age of the people married may directly impact what they earn. Also, mental health benefits, and costs, come from the relationship itself, rather than from the actual act of marriage. I would actually say marriage could be more stressful considering how many people cheat anyway or the financial hardships that would almost certainly occur from getting divorced. A good relationship is beneficial, in itself. A bad one is costly, in itself. The ‘50% of marriages end in divorce’ stat doesnt mean much to me either. I mean…if there were a fork in the road and I told you half of the people went the wrong way, how does that help you get to your destination?

Anyway, these are some of the things that come into play when married. I’d venture to say that most of the people getting married dont take more than 2 or 3 of those into consideration when making that decision. The sheer amount of things to consider, in my opinion, makes getting married at a young age “a fool’s gambit.” Not saying it cant work, just saying you might not be ready just because you think you’ve found “the one.” The potentiality of a marriage to fail is very real and can be a harsh teacher. That said, I think we’re often lazy and short-sighted when we talk about young people getting married and divorced. We normally lament on their inability to understand what marriage is, their unwillingness to persevere, or that they dont take the institution of marriage seriously. You might be able to make a strong case for any of those. You might even be right on all 3 in several instances. However, there’s ONE thing that sticks out at me and cant be ignored. Regardless of what you feel about their intentions, or whether or not you believe they’ve given this decision the appropriate amount of consideration…I dont know of anyone who got married expecting to wind up mired in divorce.

Like a lot of things in life, the unexpected can happen when you dont bother preparing for it. In regards to marriage, preparation might lead to prevention.

Of divorce. *wink*


9 Responses to “Marital Considerations”

  1. Reina said

    Marriage contains far too many unknowns, and the entire idea is far too intimidating. I really might faint at the altar from the sheer enormity of what I’m committing to.

    If it wasn’t for children, I might not ever do it.

    All I can say is PRENUP.

  2. Reklaw said

    I am approaching my 10th year of marriage and I have learned a tremendous amount about people and how they view relationships. One major piece of advice that I would give anyone about marriage is to marry your best friend. Establish a true friendship before the complexities of dating,and sex enter the picture. When you have been good friends with someone, you often treat them better than your own brother/sister. True friends always should have each others best interest at heart. If you enter a relationship/marriage with someone that is a friend, it tends to be a LOT easier to manage the good & bad times together. Before anyone gets married, go to pre-marital counseling and take it seriously. You will learn things about yourself and your partner. Our pastor said these words to us…Your success & pleasures will be doubled but your current problems will be tripled.

  3. Vicky said

    I have to disagree with the statement that most men aren’t looking for marriage. I know a lot of men who model themselves after their fathers and want to be in marriages because they grew up idolizing their father’s role in a marriage. True, a lot of single woman are “looking” for marriage, instead of just letting it happen.

    My husband and I just celebrated our seven year anniversary last week. And while we do not epitomize the “perfect” marriage, what works for us is exactly what’s missing in a lot of relationships today – “untogetherness”. Yes, I’m making up words, LOL. Most people emphasize togetherness in a marriage. But a lot of people lose themselves in marriage. They become an extension of each other, instead of being two separate people coming together. My husband and I share a lot of interests, dreams, and aspirations. But we also have separate interests that we pursue apart from each other, and neither of us begrudges the other for it.

    As far as “preparing for divorce”, I’ll have to think more on that one. Wil. and Jada Smith have a saying that “Divorce is not an option” in their relationship, so why prepare for it.

    • and1grad said

      Totally agree on maintaining your individualism in relationships. I think a lot of people fail to realize this. I dont have to be involved in everything you do & you dont need me to be interested in everything that interests you.

      As far as Will & Jada go…”by failing to prepare, you preparing to fail.”

  4. I agree with both of your most recent post but I didnt make it in time to comment on the other marriage blog before this one came up. 1) I agree there is no real incentive (or rush) for a man to get married and certainly not on the level there is for a woman and 2) planning to have a marriage that last beyond the wedding day could definitely NOT hurt.

  5. Considering that men more often than not do the proposing, I think your point although noteworthy, is completely flawed.
    Unless men have no willpower or self-dignity then I can’t for the life of me understand why propose to someone if you don’t actually want to marry.
    I’ve been proposed to more than once, but like Reina, the idea of marriage has so far been too intimidating for me.

    • and1grad said

      Exactly what point is flawed? And why?

      • This point: “I think women, far moreso than men, want to get married. I sincerely believe women are what drive the practice of marriage, as most men would, more than likely, be perfectly fine as just a partner/companion.”

        For the first reason I mentioned in original comment, ie that men propose marriage more often than women

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