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Archive for the ‘Dating’ Category

The Influence of Culture (part 3)

Posted by and1grad on October 18, 2010

In the last 2 blogs, I’ve talked about the establishment of societal norms, how I believe they came to be societal norms, and the apparent impact of the evolution of gender roles. I mentioned how this impact seems to be especially illustrated in the Black family/community. In the Black community, we’re seeing more single-parent households than the norm and we’re also seeing more of our successful Black women remain single for longer than they probably should. I believe the evolution of gender roles plays a part in this due to the fact that they are no longer clearly defined. A man isn’t clearly going to be the breadwinner anymore and its up to both genders to learn how to deal with this possibility. Its not as simple as saying, “Yeah, it wouldn’t bother me if that were the case” because most likely, it will…to varying degrees of course.

I left off with the simplest of questions, “what’s the answer?” Plenty of answers have already been visited upon by numerous “relationship experts.” Think like a Man. Act like sheep. Blame White women. Date inter-racially. The list goes on and on. I cant offer you a simple answer. If I knew it, I damn sure wouldn’t be offering it up for free on a blog. I’d take my talents to South Beach. Here’s one thing I AM comfortable telling you though. Stop listening to “experts.” No one is an expert on you but…you. Imagine that.

But if you’re REALLY hurting for a piece of advice, here’s what I tell people. Somewhere in your life, in the present or past, you’ve stumbled across a couple that looks like they have what you aspire to have. Might be a close friend, an acquaintance…might even be your parents. I call them “relationship role models.” Ask them why their relationship works. Emulate some of what they do. If that sounds crazy to you, ask yourself what it is you did to become who you are. More than likely, you had a role model that you used as something of a blueprint to success…or at least as a way to avoid failure. Why wouldn’t relationships work the same way?

But hey, that’s just one man’s opinion. I am not an “expert”…*Big Pun voice* but I know a lot.

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Men are from Cali, Women are from NY

Posted by and1grad on July 13, 2010

Yes, I did decide to keep that title in the realm of the Continental US. I am not an Astronomer. With that, Lets get started. Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in Dating, Life, Relationships | 22 Comments »

The Pretty Girl/Hobo Conundrum (My Radio replay)

Posted by and1grad on June 11, 2010

The Pretty Girl/Hobo Conundrum Throughout the years, I have CONSTANTLY heard, from women, about how women are approached by dopes for their phone numbers, dates, etc. I’m sure most men are bombarded with these stories as well. It usually entails some unsuspecting fine lady minding her own business and being approached by some dude under the guise of conversation. Both parties know the underlying cause of why this conversation has started or at least have a decent idea. The pre … Read More

via My Radio

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The Year of the…Dragoon?

Posted by and1grad on May 20, 2010

I'm on a horse too

This present year and a half, or so, of being completely single has led me to take stock in some things. Actually, I should say its led me to reevaluate former opinions…especially those involving our “fairer sex.” Some of which favorable, others either not or probably just a wash altogether.

No More Drama

Marley was right when he said “No Woman, No Cry.” Not having a woman around equals a almost completely drama-less life. I dont have to worry about anyone, do things I otherwise dont want to do, and I have more money. Until you’re in a relationship, you forget how expensive it is to be in one. The downside? You have to wonder…is NO drama REALLY what you want? I mean…it does get a little boring.

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What Women Want — Mr. Rorschach

Posted by and1grad on May 4, 2010

Recently, I’ve found myself engaged in the timeless argument of what women want in a man. Or at least…what they SAY they want. I find these to often be 2, sometimes COMPLETELY, different things.

“Mr. Rorschach”

If you delve into the women’s playbook of things they say they want in a man, THE go-to argument that women will give you is that their man of choice does NOT have to be handsome…at all. In fact, he doesnt have to look like much of anything. I’ve decided to name him, Mr. Rorschach. Mr. Rorschach, the whatever faced dude.

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What Women Want — “Nice Guys”

Posted by and1grad on April 21, 2010

Recently, I’ve found myself engaged in the timeless argument of what women want in a man. Or at least…what they SAY they want. I find these to often be 2, sometimes COMPLETELY, different things.

“Nice Guys.”

Ahhh…the “nice guy.” Most women will claim the nice guy until their dying breath. “All I want is a nice guy” blah blah blah. Ladies and gentlemen, this…is…GAH…BIJE. Pure and simple. Fact of the matter is, NICE is fool’s gold. This, of course, is assuming you actually DO at some point plan to have sex with another person. If not, have at this “nice” shit. But if you do, DEFTLY avoid being described by the opposite sex as “nice.” Nice is the adjective you use to describe the bland or boring. Whenever someone can be described in a more meaningful way, they arent described as “nice.” This doesnt mean that they are not nice, it just means there’s a better, more interesting, way of describing them.

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What Women Want — Strong Men

Posted by and1grad on April 20, 2010

Recently, I’ve found myself engaged in the timeless argument of what women want in a man. Or at least…what they SAY they want. I find these to often be two, sometimes COMPLETELY, different things.

“Strong Men.”

One discussion I got in was about women saying they prefer a strong man. The man that will put em in check when they’re being ridiculous. Um…sure. As someone who considers himself a decently qualified representative of the male gender, I can tell you that, to a man, we think women are being ridiculous A LOT of the time. If we attempted to check you every time, we would ALL be single. But lets attempt to break this down.

I think MOST people want someone who challenges them in some capacity, or at the very least isnt a complete pushover. But that said, a LOT of people are perfectly happy with their chosen mate being something of a pushover so that they can often get their way. I find this to be more common with women. Not to say that we men dont do it…just think its more common to women. The reality is that “strength” in a person is very hard to accurately gauge. I think a good number of people confuse “strength” with just being “stubborn”…which is not a strength. I also believe that allowing your SO to take the lead in certain situations can be considered a display of strength…while others might outwardly consider it weakness.

I think true strength is a fantastic trait to have. But, for the most part, it comes from experience. It comes from a certain level of self-assuredness that I think most of us struggle with. The hope is that the person you’re with makes you stronger & vice versa.

Being considered strong is a helluva compliment…unless you’re weak in a relationship. Then…its kind of a “so what?” right?

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Relationship ≠ Game

Posted by and1grad on March 9, 2010

Been a while since I blogged anything. Been even longer since I blogged a serious topic. Lately, I’ve engaged in some interesting discussions regarding relationships and what people expect/will put up with when in one. I think relationships are also on my mind because there was one of those asinine “relationship rules” or whatever trending topics on Twitter. Those are always a good laugh because you can pretty much tell by the advice given who is single and going to REMAIN single for quite some time.

Now before I get started, I AM FULLY AWARE of how blogs are normally the WORST place to go regarding relationship advice. But honestly, a lot of that has to do with the fact that so many blogs are written by young folks. Like fresh out of college-just gettin their feet wet in a profession type kids. Dont get me wrong, no disrespect to those folks. But in your 20s, ESPECIALLY your early 20s, you’re still finding your footing in the world and probably shouldnt be giving out much in terms of real advice. You should be LISTENING to people give you real advice. And yes, I know that makes me sound like an old head. I’m ok with that. I’ve seen past my 20s and am in my 30s now. Frankly put, I’m grown.

So when people ask me questions regarding relationships, I dont give them one of those half-assed, reationary answers because relationships are complicated. It aint a place for half-steppin and if thats what you’re doing, it WILL fail. A question that came up yesterday, (#shoutout to @SlimMal, I see you) dealt with figuring out what it would take for you to leave a relationship that you had previously thought would go the distance. There are a LOT of kneejerk responses to a question like this but people need to REALLY be serious about it. Its very EASY to say certain things are dealbreakers but, if you think about it in the grand scheme of things, they prove to be somewhat trivial at best.

Also, there was a mild debate a while back regarding the state of relationships, especially concerning marriage. I cant help but think that part of the reason marriages/relationships are becoming so tenuous is because men and women dont really NEED each other any more. In the past generations, men needed women for things like keeping on top of essentially all matters of the family (house, food, kids, etc) and women looked to men to provide things like shelter, safety, money, etc. Nowadays, that just isnt the case, on either side. Do people WANT those things in each other? Sure. Do they need to depend on another for it? No. Society has changed and relationships are changing with it. I think we’re still struggling to navigate through these changes and find what it is that makes us happy. Thankfully, in our corner remains one of the things that has allowed humans to keep from going extinct. Our ability to adapt.

With these societal changes, has come our inclination to place demands on the opposite sex that are OFTEN frivolous, if not COMPLETELY meaningless. Things like he/she has to have a certain level of education, a certain job, a plan that you consider to be upwardly mobile, and/or something specific to looks. Dont get me wrong, we ALL have our preferences but people seem to prefer some things that border on the absurd. I dont feel the need to get into which is which. Decide for yourselves. But when you ask yourself what it is you want in a relationship and what it is you NEED in a relationship, I implore you to give it SERIOUS thought.

It is not a game.

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A LITTLE discrimination

Posted by and1grad on October 21, 2009

I guess I’m going to keep on in the vein of discrimination, real or imagined. Lately, I’ve spent a lot of time listening to who is being discriminated against. Black men vs. Black women; Morehouse vs transgenders…but no one has the GUTS to address THIS!!! Well, ladies and gentlemen, I. DO.

Women, PARTICULARLY minorities, BLATANTLY discriminate against short men. Its outrageous! A short man, almost universally, can NOT catch a break with women. The craziest part is that these women are normally not tall themselves. How are you 5’3 and need your man to be 6’2? That makes zero sense. What, do you want to be headbutting his belly button every time you go for a hug? The WORST are the women who have to take their (FRAUDULENT) height addition of their heels into consideration. “He needs to be 3 inches taller than I am when I decide to wear these tall ass heels that I will invariably complain about to him later b/c they make my feet hurt.” Why do you want your men to be so overwhelmingly bigger than you? Why dont more people think thats odd and/or ridiculous? Tall men, why do you want to dwarf your women? I feel like a babysitter when I’m hanging around women who are shorter than 5’3 and I’m not absurdly tall.

I’ll tell you one thing. Should I have boys, I’m gonna have them playing basketball, not just because I love the sport but because I know that if they arent tall, they will STRUGGLE to get a woman’s attention. To women, if you arent AT LEAST 5’10”, you’re short. These same women can barely SNIFF 5’6″. Really? The guy thats actually TALLER than YOU is too short? What about the amazons? [I consider a woman an amazon once she hits 5’9″ and up.] They have to find men too. And the pixies are taking them all!! LMAO! (Sorry, it always cracks me up when I hear tall women complain about that #kanyeshrug)

Back to short men. Short guys are discriminated against all through LIFE itself. They’re rarely ever picked first in sports, unless they’re crazy fast. You’re actually EXPECTED to be fast if you’re short. That itself is unfair. Especially since they have such little legs…I kid. They have to look around tall people who might be standing or sitting in front. Thats no fun. What about all the short jokes dopes like me might tell? Short minorities might have the best argument of discrimination there is. All these other guys are depicted as athletes and soldiers and such.

Short guys are depicted as this guy:

I’m just saying. Its a tough world, if you’re short. Cant women, who are LARGELY of that height or shorter, give these guys a break!?!? Damn!!

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Plight of the Black Woman

Posted by and1grad on June 15, 2009

I’ve been reading a lot of blogs about black women lately and their struggles with finding a “good” black man. Personally, I’ve always been skeptical and unapologetic to black women concerning this predicament because I felt, and still feel, that many of them made their own beds and are being forced to lie in them. When I say that, what I mean is, I’ve seen enough quality black men TRY, in vain, to “talk” to a black woman and quickly get the cold shoulder, in favor of some obvious dope that may have had a nicer car, watch, etc. and especially fancier wordplay. So when I hear black women complain about only finding these dopes, I become incredulous and simply tell them that they found what they were looking for. So, yes, I also was frustrated with black women. That said, I never did turn my back on them. Just didnt put all my eggs in that one basket, so to speak.

The newer conversations are starting to center around black women doing the same. There seems to be more of a willingness to abandon the premise of what they called “dating around the rainbow” rather than their self-induced allegiance to dating only black men. Honestly, I never put much, if any, stock into this rhetoric about how exclusively dating black men made them more loyal to the race or any other nonsense derived from that. That stuff might sound nice as a soundbite, or on a postcard, but this is the real world. Exclusively dating black men is doing neither black men or women any kind of favor. What it IS doing is decreasing your dating pool by a significant quantity. Just to be clear, its fine for ANYONE to have their preferences. But if you’re trying to sell it as you doing someone ELSE a favor, you’re fooling yourself. Grow up.

As I mentioned earlier, black women are now considering, and actively dating, men of other races. Personally, I say GOOD. Expand your dating pool. Find your happiness. Be better than just looking and disqualifying a potential partner because of their race. Personally, I think this will not only improve a black woman’s ability to find happiness, and/or maybe start a family, but I actually think it would improve black male/female relationships. That probably sounds ridiculous but lets examine. As it stands, a lot of black men are thoroughly convinced that whatever they do, whoever they are, they can find and get with a black woman. Lets face it, black women of quality have settled for the bullshit at an alarming rate. What if that wasnt the case? What if more black men knew that they had to get their shit right to get with a woman of quality, black or otherwise? Men do what is necessary to be appealing to a woman. That always has been the case, always will be. Women set the standard that men are supposed to meet. But if black women continue to eschew all others, listless black men will know that they dont have to do shit, or be shit, to still have a chance.

If you’ll allow me, a slight but related tangent. A good amount of the issue also being presented has to do with black women being more professionally inclined and upwardly mobile than black men as of late. This is definitely true. Black women are carrying the baton of education and success further than black men are right now. Because of this, black women are stuck looking in vain for a black man that matches them professionally and intellectually. This is another SERIOUS problem that I wish I could provide good, viable answers to. The problems, as I see it, are that the dating pool at this level is small as it is, and even smaller when looking for a black man. I also believe it to be a double-edged sword because men in general shy away from these “career women” for reasons of their own. Some of them more valid than others. These reasons include whether or not these women even have time for a man or a family. I’m sure it hasnt escaped very many that some of the men that would fit this desirable profile probably arent looking for a woman that is AS career-minded as he is. They might be more inclined to find a woman that would be home a little more often in case they decide to build a family.

There’s also the situation of whether a relationship can handle a women as the primary breadwinner. I know a lot of men & women believe they can handle this situation, but many of them are deluding themselves. Men have as much trouble handling not being the breadwinner as women seem to have trouble being it. Its NOT just a male issue. I’ve seen a woman throw being the breadwinner in a man’s face and can honestly say THAT would put my relationship in extreme jeopardy. I digress.

Black women, I say this to you as a resident EBMOP*, BRANCH OUT. End your brand loyalty and maybe try on a different pair of genes and see if it fits. THAT might wind up being one of the better things you could do for black men, in general. And if you come across some black men, or women, that want to get funky with you because of that, tell em “TOUGH.” Being happy is a civil right.

*Educated Black Man On Premises; shoutout to dallasblack

Posted in Black, Dating, Gender, Relationships | 6 Comments »